If Wishes Were Kisses
by LaurenBrogs89
Summary: She still can't bring herself to wish she had never met him.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Not the most original of stories but hopefully I can bring something new to it. Also I don't think this has been done for St Berry before (although I may be wrong). This is how the Rolling in the Deep scene in Prom Queen would have gone if Rachel was hiding something pretty major from Jesse. Will be a multi chapter story. **

**I really would like to know what you think so please r and r.**

She hears his voice cut in to her song and is almost rendered completely speechless. He is absolutely the last person she ever expected to see. She joins back in for the chorus, seamlessly harmonizing her voice with his. She finds it extremely ironic that their voices still meld with one another perfectly. She is Rachel Berry and she never shies away from a performance. Also, she needs him to think that nothing has changed since he last saw her. And then she needs him to leave as swiftly as possible and never come back.

He holds out his hand to her during the song and she scoffs internally, like she would ever make it that easy. She thinks he knows this as he spins away from her, she doesn't think he has changed at all. The song finishes and all that can be heard is their laboured breathing. She needs to break this silence before it gets even more intense and he starts getting ideas.

"Jesse." Shoot, she was hoping for something slightly more intelligent than that, her increasing inner-mental breakdown is obviously manifesting itself by cutting off all communication between her mouth and brain. This does not bode well for her.

"Rachel. It's good to see you." If only she could say the same. What she actually feels upon seeing him is gut wrenching pain and panic that she is barely keeping under control. She really really needs him to leave now.

What actually comes out of her mouth is: "What are you doing here?"

She can't believe she asked him a question. That would imply that she actually wants to talk to him. She doesn't, with her lack of brain filter she might say something that will really drop her in it and that will open a whole world of pain that she is completely unequipped to deal with. He cannot find out what she is hiding. As it is she knows that when he eventually does leave she will go back to her pathetic apartment and cry until she can't breathe.

"Can we talk?" She shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly and they move to the seats in the auditorium. Indifference, she has decided, is the key to getting him to leave her alone and not dig any deeper. She will be cool and calm and like the old Rachel Berry whose only focus was being a star. She thinks of it like an acting exercise, all be it an extremely important one. Surely he will go back to UCLA soon, she can keep it up until then.

The bottom drops out of her stomach when he tells her he has flunked out and will be moving back here. She is aware that he is still talking, she is aware that she is even replying to him but she has absolutely no idea what she is saying. She doesn't even have the space in her brain to care if she is embarrassing herself. The word "No" is currently on a constant loop of ever increasing hysteria in her head.

At the words, "What are you doing for Prom?" her head snaps up. Right new plan; be as horrible to him as possible.

Her eyes shutter and she fills her voice with as much contempt as she can muster. "I'm not going. I have plans."

He looks shocked but clearly her attempt at disdain has failed as he states with a smirk, "You, not going to Prom? Who are you and what have you done with Rachel Berry?"

Abort the plan, abort the plan, she thinks. New, new plan: get out of there as fast as you can and make sure he doesn't follow you.

Unfortunately for her he is between her and the door and he catches her arm as she tries to bolt past him. He looks down on her with so much concern she feels the barely heeled scars on her heart wrench open once again. She can't do this; it is absolute torture being this close to both the reason for and the possible solution to all her problems. She has had the absolute year from hell and him being here right now is just the icing on the cake. Why can't she catch a break?

"Rachel, what is going on?" He is doing quite a good job of looking worried about her. If she didn't know him to be completely incapable of human emotion she would probably be fooled right now. She won't make the same mistake twice. Believing his bull shit is what got her into this situation in the first place. If there is one thing she is sure about it is that that definitely will not be happening again.

"Nothing is going on Jesse, I just really don't have the time to talk to you. I have no idea what your agenda was in coming here today but I have absolutely no feelings towards you and do not wish to engage in whatever bullshit you have come to spew in an attempt to get me back. Now let go of my arm, I have somewhere to be." She hopes he doesn't notice that her entire body is shaking.

He releases her and she instantly misses the skin to skin contact. She walks away slowly, simultaneously congratulating herself on sticking to her new new plan and willing herself to not look back at him. She is so completely and utterly screwed.

He thinks something is definitely off with her. Her anger he expected but he some of the emotions he saw flit across really don't make sense. When he told her he was staying in Ohio she looked almost…. Broken. Admittedly it's not his proudest moment but he didn't expect her reaction to be quite as violent.

He knew he would have to work pretty damn hard to get back into her good graces but he has no idea what just happened. When they sang together their connection was as strong as ever. As soon as they stopped seeing she became completely unreadable. Aside from that one moment he had no idea what she was thinking.

This in itself was strange, she had always worn her emotions pretty close to the surface and he was better than most at reading them. The only reason he let her go is that he was in complete shock at the fact that she actually swore at him. Rachel Berry never swore. He had seen her dislocate her shoulder in a ballet practise without uttering so much as a "darn."

Her physical appearance had changed as well. He had always known her to be perfectly groomed and put together, now her hair and skin seemed dull and her eyes had a tired and worn look about them. He hated to say it but she looked haggard.

He knows she is probably the most dramatic person he has ever met, but this is bit much even for her. This can't just be a reaction to him leaving. Something must have happened and it must have been something major. It had him seriously worried about her. She was not the Rachel Berry he had left and from her reactions to him it was at least partly his fault. He may have flunked out of college but he was smart enough to know this.

He got out of his seat with a new sense of purpose, he was going to get to the bottom of what was wrong with Rachel Berry. She may have blown him of but he was determined. They had a connection that he had never felt with anyone before and God knows he had tried, he had felt more singing with her today than he had during countless sexual encounters with vacuous college girls. Rachel Berry was going to let him back in whether she liked it or not.

She bolted from the auditorium and managed to make it all the way to her car before the afore-mentioned breakdown hit her like a freight train. In her last lucid moment she thinks she is probably having a panic attack. Her eyes are burning and she knows her throat is being ripped ragged by the force of her sobs. Her chest is tight and oh god she can't breathe and she feels dizzy and if she doesn't stop this right now she is going to black-out.

"Rache?"

She feels strong arms grasp her shoulders and she is commanded in a firm voice to, "Calm down. Focus on my breathing and breathe with me."

She obeys the voice. As she comes back to herself she feels a hand rubbing soothing circles on her back. She looks up and sees that it is Noah. Wryly, she thinks, who else would it be?

"Berry what the fuck is wrong with you? You almost knocked me on my ass you were running out of here so fast!"

"He's back Noah, Jesse is back and we sang together and it was perfect and then he went and ruined it by talking to me with his stupid face that isn't really stupid it's actually rather beautiful if you can use that word to describe a member of the male species and it looks like he is going to be here for the foreseeable future and I can't deal with this because he absolutely cannot find out." She can feel herself beginning to hyperventilate again.

Noah looks bemused. Her rants tend to have that affect on people. Until what she has just said sinks in. Then he looks furious. He takes in that she is on the verge of another panic attack. Then he looks worried. She briefly wonders if that is what she looked like to Jesse earlier.

"OK Berry we are going to sort this out. Firstly breathe. I'm not taking you to the hospital. Two, where the fuck is that little son of a bitch? I am gon' beat his ass so badly…"

"NO!" Her chest tightens even more at the thought. "You can't. Noah he doesn't know and I need to keep it that way. You do not have the self control to keep what you know quiet." He looks almost hurt. "Don't look at me like that you know it's true."

"What are you going to do?" The change in subject is a abrupt and she almost can't take the pity in his eyes.

"I am going to be so completely horrible to him that he runs back to Carmel, never to step foot in Lima again" As she says it she can see the holes in her new new plan, Jesse was always determined and a few knock backs didn't set him back very long. If she recalls that is exactly what got her in this situation in the first place; his determination and her stupidity.

From the look on his face she can see he is not exactly sold on her new new plan either. She dismisses him before he can voice his objections.

"Thank you for coming to my aid Noah. I know I'm probably the most unpopular person in the entire school now so this will probably cost you and I appreciate that."

He nods his head and it sends a pang right to her heart when he doesn't even try to refute what she has just said.

"No problem Berry. Us Jews gotta' stick together."

She nods calmly as she gets into her car. Her hands are still shaking as she turns the ignition. The sad thing is this doesn't even make the top five of her worst days ever, top ten definitely, but not top five. All of her worst days have one thing in common: they were all caused by Jesse St James. She still can't bring herself to wish she had never met him.

Her thoughts are still in complete turmoil as she pulls up at her destination. She walks to the door in a complete trance and stays that way until she sees him. Mrs Walker hands him over to her and she feels a sense of calm wash over her. The panic she has been feeling slips away completely as the babysitter places him in her arms.

"Hello my darling boy. Have you missed mummy?"

He gurgles back at her and it is honestly the most beautiful noise she has ever heard, he smiles up at her and her heart clenches. He is most definitely his fathers son.

**So what did you guys think? I have the rest of the story planned out and it's looking to be about 5 chapters. Let me know if you want to read more. **


	2. Chapter 2

Jesse got up from his seat in the auditorium making a quick decision as to where to go first. He reached his car in the very furthest corner of the McKinley High parking lot, he still drove his Vocal Adrenaline Range Rover and you never could be too careful, those New Directions half-wits had slashed his tires after all. Jesse drove quickly and efficiently across town to Rachel's house. He needed to talk to her again and if she still wouldn't talk to him he was sure he could get what had happened from her dads. They had always liked him.

So far he was enjoying himself. Even if their was something wrong with Rachel he was confident he could get to the bottom of it whilst simultaneously worming his way back into her heart, he was just talented like that. He almost felt like a spy or a detective and he was currently riding high on the drama. This is what he had missed most about Rachel; she was never boring or predictable.

Girls normally threw himself at him, he was sure he could probably rival Puckerman in the "sex-shark" stakes if he ever deemed it worthwhile to have that conversation. But Rachel had been different from the very beginning. With her first words to him she had looked every inch the star-struck teenager, but then they had sung together and he felt a new feeling come over him. He wasn't used to being matched vocally and here was this tiny little girl with a voice and a personality so big they demanded his attention. From then on he had been completely smitten, going along with Shelby's plan simply so he could spend more time with her. Then she just had to triple cast him in that stupid video.

He had really been hurt by her actions and it sent him reeling. He was the heart-breaker, girls were supposed to swoon all over him until he got bored of them, not humiliate him in order to make herself look better. So he had run from her with his tail between his legs all the way to San Francisco. There he had drowned his sorrows in booze and slutty girls and let Vocal Adrenaline poison him against the only girl he had ever had real feelings for. They had made him believe that a fourth national title was worth screwing her over. No, not just screwing her over, completely destroying her. He had been so angry with her at the time he had gone along with it.

He had come back to her with renewed vigour for the plan and the misguided belief that she meant nothing to him. He led her to Shelby and he had to work ridiculously hard to keep reminding himself not to get in deeper. He was going to crush her, win another title and go off to college a legend. That was the plan and he was sticking to it.

He had been fine with it, until it came to the night before the infamous Funkification. He knew that after tomorrow she would most likely never speak to him again, unless it was a prelude to her kicking him in the balls. He was supposed to be happy about this. He most definitely wasn't. It was far too late to back out of the plan now, he would loose his scholarship and his parents would absolutely murder him. When it came down to it he wasn't sure he'd done a very good job of convincing himself that she meant nothing to him. There was an ache in his heart that just wouldn't go away and he suspected it would only be eased by being with Rachel, something that after tomorrow he would never be able to do. He had put himself right in the middle of the biggest catch 22 ever.

So he did what he did best and got her to sleep with him. For those few hours he felt complete, loved. As he lay there with her sleeping in his arms looking more vulnerable than he had ever seen her the enormity of his actions hit him. He had slept with her, taken her virginity even, knowing full well that the next day he was going to break up with her in the absolute worst way possible.

He had manoeuvred his way gently out of her arms before she had woken up. He was such a coward he couldn't bear to see her anymore lest he go back on his decision. All too soon he was up on stage with the rest of VA singing "Another One Bites the Dust". He could only bear to look at her once during the performance. The look on her face confirmed his place as the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. Then he egged her and moved from biggest asshole on the planet to biggest asshole in the universe.

He hadn't meant for the "I loved you" part to come out. He had only let his showface slip for a second and it had spilled out. He had only just managed to regain his senses in time to change it to past tense. Afterwards he had gone immediately to the nearest bar that would serve him underage and got absolutely shitfaced. The next day he had thrown himself into rehearsals with a relentless energy in order to convince himself that ruining her had been worthwhile. They had to kill it at Regional's or it would have all been for nothing.

He pulled himself from his thoughts with almost physical force. It had not been a good time for him and he really did not want to dwell on it now, he was here to make it up to her. It was clear to him that he could not live without her, his recent failings at UCLA had proved that.

He pulled into her driveway with a frown. He prided himself on being an extremely perceptive individual and something about the house felt a little different, the lawn was not as well kept as he had come to expect from the meticulously house proud Berry's. He looked up at Rachel's room and his sense of foreboding grew exponentially, all her posters were gone and the room had been redecorated in a series of beiges with dark brown undertones. The effect was stylish but decidedly un-Rachel-like. Not for the first time today he wondered what the hell was going on.

Waiting nervously, he rang the doorbell. He was not prepared for what happened when the door was opened. Leroy Berry paused for a second upon seeing him.

"Hello Mr Be….."

"YOU!" Leroy had roared with barely contained fury radiating from every fibre of his being.

Jesse jumped back, his complete and utter determination to get to the bottom of what was happening the only reason for not hightailing it back to his car and getting as far away from here as humanly possible.

He steeled himself and tried again, "Mr Berry could I please talk to Rachel?"

If possible this made him more angry. Jesse thought he was probably about 30 seconds away from an epic kicking of his ass. He wryly wondered why he had been scared of what New Directions would do to him, this was real fear right here.

"That little slut doesn't live here anymore and if you don't get off my property right now I will not be help responsible for what I do to you."

You didn't need to tell him twice. He didn't think he had ever moved faster in his life. This was not fun anymore. Whatever had happened to Rachel had to have been major, like life-alteringly major, Rachel had always had a good relationship with her fathers. Granted she hardly ever did anything wrong so it's not as if they ever had much of a reason to be mad at her. Rachel was a good girl, what had she done that was so bad that apparently her fathers had kicked her out for it?

Now he was even more worried about her, if that was possible. Where the hell was she staying? What was she doing for money? What the hell had she done? She hadn't looked like a crack addict earlier but all possible worse case scenarios were now running through his head like a macabre slide show.

He knew where he had to go to get the answers to his questions and it was a prospect he definitely did not relish. He did a U-turn and took a deep breathe mentally preparing for his next confrontation. He was going to get to the bottom of this tonight. He stopped in front of a modest sized house in the neighbourhood over from Rachel's. (Or Rachel's old house anyway. Weird.)

Unfortunately the beat up old truck was sitting in the driveway. He cut off the engine and hoped to God he would get a slightly better reception at this house. After all, how scary could Noah Puckerman be after being faced with Leroy Berry?

His last thought before he knocked on Puck's door was "pretty damn scary".

As Rachel juggled her son on one hip and the measly bag of groceries she could afford on her other she attempted to find her keys. She could really use another pair of hands right now. She hated that. She could do this, had been doing this on her own just fine. Ten minutes with Jesse had her questioning everything.

Had she made the right choice in not telling him? She shook her head, of course she had. He had no real feelings for her, he had slept with her and then tossed her aside the very next day. All for absolutely nothing, they would have won regionals even without destroying her and funkifying New Directions, they were a better team with oodles more experience. She could admit that now she was no longer a part of New Directions. She barely had enough time for school after looking after Joshua never mind extra-curricula's. Besides, her dreams were completely different now.

She could put two and two together, she knew Shelby had had a part in their relationship; it was too much of a coincidence that they had both come into her life at the same time. All for absolutely nothing, Shelby hadn't wanted her, just as Jesse hadn't wanted her.

Josh started wailing as she got the door to her crappy apartment open. She loved her son but she couldn't believe she had been stupid enough to get herself into this situation. She could blame Jesse for a lot of things but she had been just as willing to sleep with him, had pretty much begged him to if she recalled.

She dropped her grocery bags onto the floor and locked her door all whilst rocking Josh to get him to stop crying. Being pregnant had been ridiculously hard and painful with absolutely no one there to support her. Being a parent on her own was even harder than that.

She envied those stupid girls on 16 and Pregnant, they all had at least one person to support them and they still bitched and moaned about it. She had no one, her so called "friends" had abandoned her when she had told them she had no time for Glee Club anymore. Her dad's had kicked her out despite this being literally the first time she had done something that did not fit in with their perfect plan for her. She had refused to kill her baby and they had punished her in the harshest way possible. Thank God her car was paid off in her name and she had saved every penny she had ever been given since birth in her own personal bank account or she really would have been screwed.

She made decent money tutoring at school and more than once she was extremely glad that the average IQ in Lima was around 75, or at least it was in her experience. She had a state paid for babysitter so she could attend school. She was surviving. She would graduate a year early at the end of this school year, out herself through community college in double quick time and provide for her son. She was fine. She had a plan and she did not need anyone.

She sat on the couch and pulled her shirt up and her bra down so Josh could latch on. Breast milk was free and she needed to make use of it whilst she could. She was nothing if not resourceful but Josh was getting bigger and her finances were already stretched to the limit. She would just have to buy less food for herself in order to buy baby food for Josh. She was fine. Her son needed her so she had to be.

He looked like he was finished so she put him over her shoulder and rubbed his back lightly. He let out a soft belch and she smiled. Even his burps were adorable. She looked down into his face and he smiled back up at her. He really was gorgeous and luckily for him he was all Jesse. He already had the same soft brown curls covering his head and the same angelic features. He had Jesse's nose which she was more relieved about than she would have ever let on. The one feature he had inherited from her was his eyes, rather than Jesse's intense blue pools Josh's were a deep brown just like hers. She knows she's biased but he really is the most gorgeous little boy she has ever seen.

Her smile grows, she might regret being stupid enough to get pregnant at 16 and all the fallout it has caused but she could never regret Josh. He is the single best thing she has ever done.

"Are you ready for a bath mister?" He gurgles in response. She takes that as a yes.

After his bath she puts him into a sleep suit and puts him down in his cot. Her apartment has only one bedroom so his cot is next to her bed. She doesn't mind, she like him to be close by. She sings softly to him a tune that she will swear on her life has no set tune but sounds suspiciously like "Hello". Subconsciously she wants him to have at least one part of his father. After all it is her fault Jesse isn't in his life.

When he is sound asleep she lays on her bed and finally let herself think about the events of the day. She honestly never thought he would come back. She wouldn't have if she had actually managed to make it out of here. Lima was toxic. Her current situation was proof of that. She had been punished for manning up and taking responsibility for her child. Quinn Fabray's life was exactly the same as it had been before she got pregnant. How backwards was that?

Jesse had seemed different today. Sincere, contrite, sorry, she couldn't handle that. She wanted him to be the complete and utter asshole she had built him up to in her mind. If he was an asshole, her decision to keep him in the dark was completely justified. She couldn't risk him hurting Josh and if she was completely honest with herself she could not risk him hurting her again. She didn't think she would be able to survive it a second time.

But today he had seemed genuinely worried about her and she even thought she had heard him saying he regretted what he had done to her, although she was mid freak out at the time so she couldn't be sure. She was reminded of the time when she had thought their relationship had been real. In all the crap that had come afterwards she had almost forgotten that she had been head over heels in love with him. He was a very difficult man to get over.

Her emotional state was too fragile to deal with the complete shit storm that would arise if he found out he had been keeping his child from him. She knew what she was doing was shady at best and downright cruel at worst but she had just barely recovered from their break up when she had found out she was pregnant. With her dad's kicking her out she could not handle what she had then thought would have been his inevitable rejection. Now she was just too far into it to tell him. She had made her decision and she was sticking to it.

Now all she needed was for him to give up on her like everyone else and she could go back to being fine. Because she was fine. She did not need anyone and she certainly did not need him. Maybe if she kept repeating it over and over gain she could believe it.

**A/N: What did you guys think? Bit more back story here which I hope fills in some of the gaps. Just as an aside I'm English so I have absolutely no idea how the American school year breaks down so if I get any of the timings wrong I'm really sorry. I think by how I've worked it Josh is 5 months old if he was conceived during Funk. **

**Please r and r, it really does make my day xxxx**


	3. Chapter 3

"St Douche."

It was mildly better greeting than he had received at the Berry household.

"Puckerman." He replied with the exact same amount of contempt in his voice. "If you are planning on punching me in the face please get it over with."

"You're not worth going back to Juvie for. Fuck are you doing here?"

"Eloquent as usual." Jesse exclaimed sarcastically before remembering it probably wasn't a good idea to provoke him. "I need to talk to you. About Rachel."

Puck puffed out his chest at the mention of Rachel's name. There was a reason he had gone to Puck. In his entire time at New Directions Puck was the only one who had acted even remotely nicely to Rachel, even if it was in his own unique way. He and Jesse had never gotten on particularly well, mainly die to the fact that Jesse knew that given the slightest chance Puck would jump at the chance to get into Rachel's pants. If Rachel's parents wouldn't tell him and Rachel herself was a no go he knew he could trust Puckerman to tell him the truth. Although it would probably be very painful, he doubted Puck would mince his words to save his feelings.

With a nod of his head, Puck gestured him inside. "Talk."

"I've just been to Rachel's father's house."

"And you made it out without a scratch on you. I'm disappointed." He was right. Puck did know what was going on.

"From that response I'm assuming you know they kicked her out and I'm pretty certain you also know why?" He was getting pissed off now, it had been a seriously long day. He just wanted to get to the bottom of this and help Rachel. He was almost angry at her that she hadn't just let him in herself it would have saved him a lot of time. She always was the most stubborn person he knew.

"Why the fuck should I tell you anything?"

"Because I saw her today and she looked… I don't know, small? Whatever she was she wasn't Rachel and the further I get into this the more I'm getting the feeling that it was something I've done. Leroy looked like he was going to kill me and you don't look much calmer and I just want to fix it." He was ashamed to say he was on the verge of tears. It had definitely been a long day.

There was a long pause in which Puck simply stared at him, as if sizing him up.

Puck's eyes narrowed shrewdly, "Why?" Of Jesse's confused look he elaborated, "Guilt? Boredom? Shit's and giggles?"

"No! I just…." He took a deep breathe. Giving Puckerman this much ammunition was either a good idea or a very stupid one. "I flunked out of college because I couldn't live without her. Pretty much the second I threw that egg at her I knew I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. When I got to college all I could do was think about her. I was partying every night trying to forget and my grades started slipping and before I knew it I had flunked out. I was too much of a coward to apologise after it happened and then the longer I left it, the harder it became. I finally worked up the courage today and then I saw her and she looked broken and I just want to fix her. I need her."

Again there was a long silence as Puck processed his words. His heart was beating faster than it ever had before. So this is what being nervous felt like. Still Puck was silent. Just as Jesse thought he couldn't stand it any more Puck got up and walked into what Jesse assumed was the kitchen.

Now he was confused. Was he supposed to wait? Would it be smarter to run for the door whilst he still had the use of both his legs? Puck sauntered back into the room and handed him a piece of paper.

Well that was unexpected.

"She doesn't want you to know but I think it's about fucking time that you found out. She thinks she can keep it a secret but I know better than anyone that doesn't work. She needs someone to help her, she is barely coping and she thinks she's "Just Fine"." He added with sarcastic quotation fingers. His whole demeanour changed from worried friend to terrifying menace, "But I'm warning you, if you hurt her again going back to Juvie will be worth it in order to completely fucking annihilate you."

A lesser man than Jesse probably would have crapped his pants at that. Jesse managed to avoid that, barely. "Got it. No hurting Rachel."

"Leave now, before I change my mind. Berry is already going to kill me for this."

Again he reached his car in record timing. He could skip his workout later, running for his life twice in one day was more than enough exercise for anyone.

He was more confused than ever. Puck had confirmed his worst fears that whatever had happened to Rachel was pretty much all his fault. He still couldn't figure it out though. Rachel really didn't seem like the type to turn to drugs or alcohol in times of distress but he couldn't think of anything else it could be. He looked down at the crumpled piece of paper in his hand, it confirmed his fears. It was an address for an apartment in the absolute worst part of downtown Lima. It was a neighbourhood he tried to avoid at all costs, it was full of crack whores and drug barrens and this is the one time he was not being melo-dramatic. No one in their right mind would let a 17 year old girl live their alone.

He started his car and made his way to what he hoped would be his final destination. He was ready; he would help Rachel Berry no matter the cost. Even if she was a crack-whore.

She was dozing on her bed when she heard a knock on the door. She was pissed. She knew it was only 8.00pm but Josh had her up at least three or four times every night. She needed all the sleep she could get. She hoped if she ignored them they would go away but after nearly ten minutes of insistent knocking she knew she was going to have to answer the door. She really hoped it wasn't the scary man from downstairs complaining about the noise again. She had a five month old baby, he was going to cry, their wasn't much she could do about it.

She looked through the peephole. No not the scary man from downstairs, it was someone much, much worse. She was going to eviscerate Noah. There was absolutely no one else who could have given him her address. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

How dare Jesse know that Noah was the one person she had a semi friendship with?

"Rachel open the door. I heard your footsteps, I know you're in there."

This was it. It was time for the performance of a lifetime. She was going to stick with her original plan and hope to God in Heaven that Josh would stay quiet for ten minutes.

Showface fixedly in place, she unlocked the door.

"Jesse, I thought I made it clear that I had absolutely no desire or need to talk to you ever again. I can assure you nothing has changed in the last three and a half hours." She congratulated herself on a job well done. She had delivered that line with the perfect amount of both contempt and distance.

"I've been to your fathers' house."

That she hadn't been expecting. She marvelled at the fact that he appeared to have all his limbs. Back to the plan.

"What do you want? A cookie?" Perfect again.

"And then I went to see Puckerman." She really was going to kill Noah. "He alluded to the fact that there is something you need to tell me." Correction, she was going to kill him slowly and painfully.

"He was mistaken. Like I said, I have nothing to say to you." That one was definitely not perfect, their was a distinct tremble in her voice and she was sure he could see the panic on her face. She hated that his showface was better than hers. It always had been.

"I think you're lying. For God sake Rachel please just let me help you. Everything is obviously not OK. You've been kicked out. You're living in this roach infested hell hole. There are bag's under your eyes so dark they look like bruises. Please just tell me." His cool composure had slipped and he looked about ready to cry he was so worried about her.

He was breaking her heart, all over again. This time he was killing her with kindness. After going so long without it her starved heart was begging her to lap it up, to fall into his arms and let him make it all better. But she couldn't. She had made her choice and she was going to stick to it. She was going to get him to leave and then she was going to cry until her head hurt and she couldn't see.

She prepared herself for her parting shot. She needed to play dirty in order to get him to leave. And never come back, can't forget that. She made sure her tone was positively glacial.

"I don't need you to save me Jesse St James. You were just a stop gap. A way to make Finn jealous. My feelings for you were never real. I need you to understand that and then I need you to leave."

The look on his face instantly told her she had been successful. He looked devastated. She was supposed to feel happy she had finally broke his heart like he had done for her. She just felt numb. He turned to leave. That was it. She really did have no-one now.

The she heard the noise that made it things a million times worse. Joshua was crying. Jesse paused. There was absolutely no way he hadn't heard him.

Hadn't she been through enough? She was almost home free. She had successfully alienated him. He was about to leave. If Josh would have just kept quiet for one more minute he would have been gone and she could have gone back to her life safe in the knowledge that both her and her son were safe and were not going to be hurt again.

Now she was going to have to explain to him why she had kept his son from him. She thought righteous anger would only get her so far.

It's moments like this when Joshua proved he was a product of both his parents. He had the best dramatic timing she had ever seen.

Josh was full on screaming now. She knows she needs to go to him but Jesse's gaze is locked with hers as a look of understanding dawns over his face. She can't tear her eyes away from his.

"Is that what I think it is?" He says.

She has no idea how she is going to get out of this one. She doesn't think she can.

**A/N: Sorry about the cliff hanger, I know I'm evil but I felt that they're confrontation needed a chapter of its very own.**

**As always, let me know what you think xxxx**


	4. Chapter 4

He heard a baby crying and his heart legitimately stopped beating. The sound was definitely coming from Rachel's shitty apartment. His brain was working too fast for him to handle. He had figured out what was wrong with Rachel. Now he wished he hadn't. This was massive and life changing. He was not ready for this. In his wildest imaginings of what was wrong with her this had never crossed his mind. He thinks he actually would have preferred it if she was a crack whore. Deep and caring looks good on him. How could she do this to him? He needed to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

"Is that what I think it is?" He was amazed he had managed to say that so calmly. Calm was pretty much the last thing he was feeling right now. He was about 10 seconds away from completely loosing it.

She shrunk in on herself and if possible managed to look even smaller than she already was. She looked like she had the weight of the world on her delicate shoulders. He wanted to strangle her and kiss away her problems at the same time.

She nodded and gestured for him to come in. He paced up and down the length of her living/kitchen/dining room, whilst listening to the increasingly loud wails of what he could only assume was his child. That definitely explained Leroy Berry's hostile reaction to him earlier.

Rachel locked the door behind him. He was glad, this really was a crappy neighbourhood, at least if the door was locked he didn't have to worry about being stabbed by a random passer by in her corridor. Thinking about her crappy neighbourhood brought up a whole new set of problems, apparently his child was being raised in said crappy neighbourhood. His child, shit. He needed to know for sure.

"How old is he Rachel?" He knew he was probably scaring her with the thinly veiled fury in his voice. Right now he couldn't bring himself to care.

"Five months." She whispered at the floor.

He somehow managed to hear her over the baby crying. Yep, definitely his child. He needed to sit down. Preferably far away from her, he still felt the overwhelming urge to strangle her. He couldn't believe she could be so callous as to keep his child from him. He didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. Or what its name was. The urge to strangle her was now overwhelming. He curbed that urge by shouting at her.

"How the fuck could you do this to me? You kept me away from my child, you took away my choice. I'm so disgusted in you I can't even look at you right now." If he thought she had looked broken before it was nothing to how she looked now. She was hunched over, both arms wrapped around her chest as if she was physically trying to hold herself together.

Her voice was strained when she spoke, weak and high like she was holding off tears. "I need to go and get Josh."

The anger rushed out of him in a sigh. He collapsed onto her ratty couch. He had a son. A son named Josh. A son that he was going to see for the first time in a couple of minutes.

She needed to stop Josh crying. She could deal with Jesse shouting at her, she deserved that, but she couldn't bear to hear her son in distress. She made her way into the bedroom as she heard Jesse sigh.

Picking Josh up, she hugged him to her whilst making soothing noises into his ear. She dropped a kiss to his head. She could deal with anything if Josh was with her; even Jesse. She had no idea if she was doing the right thing but she knew if she put Josh down again he would start scream. He always needed to be held right up until he fell asleep when he woke up in the night. She had an inkling that he was hungry, she hoped she could placate him until Jesse left, she really did not want to breast-feed whilst he was still there.

She walked through to the living room and stopped in front of Jesse.

"I know you are angry with me but please don't shout or swear in front of Josh." He nodded, staring almost transfixed at the bundle in her arms.

After a long silence he whispered the word she had been dreading, "Why?" She looks at him over Josh's head; he almost looks like he is in physical pain. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She readies herself to tell the story that she has not told in its entirety to anyone. He deserves to know. She cannot put this off any longer. At least she has Josh in her arms, he can't get too angry at her when she is holding his child. She hopes.

"I found out I was pregnant just before regionals. I had been deluding myself that I had a stomach bug but when I was still throwing up at least five times a day after two weeks I knew what was going on. I only just managed to actually perform without throwing up everywhere. I actually tried to speak to you but Andrea made it clear you had moved on."

Josh whimpers at the harsh tone in her voice. She soothes him and carries on with her story.

"You didn't make an effort to speak to me so I assumed you had moved on like Andrea had said. I decided then and there that I would do this without you, you were going to UCLA and didn't need the stigma of a child at home. I was also far from over you, just seeing you was tearing me up inside. The pregnancy was making me even more over emotional than I usually am and my fragile heart couldn't take the rejection I was certain you were going to give me again. I mean the day after you slept with me you smashed an egg on my head. That hardly led me to believe you would be supportive."

She pauses and she takes a quick look at his face. She thinks that is the look she wore for the entire nine months of her pregnancy: devastated, lonely, broken. It's probably how she still looks anytime that Josh isn't in her arms.

It is unbelievably hard to relive that time but she thinks she needs to say this just as much as he needs to hear it.

"I hid it from my fathers for as long as I could. School was out for the summer so I just stayed in my bed all day everyday. My pregnancy was a really bad one, I felt nauseous pretty much all the time and if I only threw up three or four times that was a very good day. I wasn't as discreet as I thought I was being. My fathers had heard me throwing up and figured out that I was pregnant. They gave me an ultimatum, have an abortion or leave their house forever. It wasn't even a choice, I'm a vegan I can't eat eggs because it is killing baby chickens. I was never going to kill my own child."

She choked back tears; this was the most painful part.

"They told me I was stupid and worthless and no one would ever want a sixteen year old with a bastard child and then they gave me an afternoon to gather my stuff and get out."

She looked over at Jesse. He looked furious and was clenching and unclenching his fists. She wondered if he was angry at her or her fathers. Probably her, she could never do anything right.

"I stayed with Noah until I found this place. I went back to school six months pregnant. The bullying got even worse than it had been before. Then I was just a loser, now I was a pregnant loser. I quit the glee club so I could take more classes to graduate earlier so I didn't have even their protection. They knew the baby was yours and they couldn't forgive me for 'sleeping with the enemy'. That and they all got a lot more solo's without me there."

Josh started to whimper and grab at her shirt, startling her out of her story. He was definitely hungry. She couldn't put it off any more. It didn't look like Jesse was planning on leaving anytime soon.

"I'm really sorry Jesse but I need to feed him." This would have been a great time to have a bottle of expressed milk in her tiny fridge. Unfortunately, she had given the last one to the babysitter and had been too tired to express anymore when she had got home.

He looked from the rapidly growing blush across her face to Joshua grabbing at her shirt and it finally sunk in what she was trying to tell him.

"Oh OK." Now that both of their tempers had subsided in the wake of her story what was left between them was awkwardness and a crushing sense of sadness. She almost missed the anger, at least she knew what to do with herself when he was shouting at her.

"I'm just going to…." She gestured towards the bedroom and he nodded. This was even harder than she had ever imagined. She had absolutely no idea of what was going on in his head. Mainly because she hadn't allowed herself to look into his eyes, she was too worried that she might see hatred in them.

She sat down on the bed and lifted her shirt and pulled down her bra for Joshua once again. The quiet moment alone was not good for her, before long she was sobbing, and she wasn't being quiet about it. She had been holding this in since he turned up at her door. She was just so confused, she had been through so much and she thought she had been doing just fine on her own. His sudden reappearance brought to the forefront the stark realisation that she had been barely holding herself together.

It was enough for anyone woman to be doing this all alone, never mind a seventeen year old with absolutely zero support system. She knew if she carried on like this she was going to have a breakdown. She needed help and he was probably the best person to give it to her. But she had kept him from his son for five months, he would never forgive her, if she was him she wouldn't forgive her either.

Her sobs wracked her body with overwhelming force, she had no idea how Josh was still feeding but he seemed to be OK. She thought she had hit rock bottom before; that was a cakewalk compared to this. She had no idea how she was going to go back in there and face Jesse again. Telling him her story had damn near killed her, she couldn't handle the inevitable accusations to come. Maybe if she stayed in here long enough he would just go home.

To her surprise, she felt two strong arms wrap around her from behind. She hadn't even heard him come in. His kindness after all she had done to him really was the last straw and now she really broke, for the second time that day heaving sobs were rocketing through her, stealing her ability to breathe.

She was vaguely aware of him gently pulling Josh from her breast and setting him down in the cot by her side. He pulled her top down to cover her nakedness and then she was fully enclosed in his arms. She was too hysterical to be embarrassed that he had just seen her semi-naked. She clung on to him as if he were a life raft saving her from drowning. In a way she supposed he was.

He was whispering in her ear as she had with Josh to calm him down. When her sobs had subsided a little and she came back to herself she could hear what it was he was saying.

He was whispering "I'm so sorry." Over and over again.

Her sobs slowed to soft hitching breaths. When she looked up there were tear streaks all down his face.

Josh whimpered. She looked over, he was obviously feeling left out. She picked him up and placed him between them. Jesse's arms shifted so he was holding them both.

Simultaneously they drifted off to sleep.

**A/N: First off I'd like to apologise for all the typos and little mistakes in the last chapter, I was on a bit of a role when I wrote it and I wasn't very thorough when I edited. Hopefully this chapter is a bit better.**

**So he finally found out, what did you think? This was really difficult to write so I would really like to know what you think xxxx**


	5. Chapter 5

He awoke slowly. Something was definitely different. His back felt awful, this was definitely not his bed. He opened his eyes and it hit him. Rachel, Josh; the whole horrendously sad situation. He had no idea how Rachel had managed to cope with this on her own for so long, he had known about it for less than 5 hours and he was breaking apart.

He looked down at the two people currently sleeping in the circle of his arms. He couldn't believe he and Rachel had made an entire person. The weirdest thing about this entire situation was just how right it felt. The last time he had felt even remotely like this was after he had slept with Rachel. This time the consequences of that last time was sleeping in between them. Rachel had got pregnant after her first time, now that really was bad luck.

Being this close to Rachel and Josh was confusing everything. He was unspeakably angry with her. He had missed out on five months with his son and he would never get that time back. But in reality his pain was nothing compared to hers. Whe he thought about it he had absolutely no right to be angry with her after the way he had left her. An egg to the head doesn't exactly scream responsible parent. She had been to hell and by the looks of it she was still living somewhere in the vicinity.

Physically, her body had looked like it was about to give up on her. She had only had a baby five months ago and yet she was painfully skinny. He could only assume that she was only feeding herself enough so that Josh could breast-feed. There was absolutely no way she was getting any actual nourishment herself. Even her voice sounded different, she must have given up on all her training. The dark circles under her eyes were almost bruise-like in their intensity and they had not lessened even with sleep.

Mentally, he thought she was probably in an even worse state. Her repeated assertions that she was "fine", were a pitiful attempt to deny what was plain for pretty much everyone to see. When Puckerman of all people noticed their was something wrong with you, the situation was dire. When she had left the room to feed Josh he had been torn, he knew that she had done what she had thought was best for both herself and Josh but she had only ended up making life insanely difficult for both of them. She had always been stubborn but this was taking it to the extreme. Why hadn't she just called him? He had obviously erased all the good times they had had with his one act of mutual destruction.

Just as he was looking at him Josh opened his eyes. Jesse gasped; he had Rachel's eyes. He felt a swell of pride at being able to create such a handsome child. Although with the combination of his and Rachel's gene's it was hardly surprising. Her present physicality not with-standing, they were both very gorgeous people.

Josh began to whimper and his heart rate sped up. What did you do with a crying child? What if something was wrong with him? Or worse what if he needed his diaper changing? That was not a skill he wanted to learn at this point in time. He really wanted to wake Rachel but facing her meant dealing with things he wasn't ready for. Like what the hell were they going to do now?

Tentatively, he eased his arms out from around Rachel and cradled Josh into his chest. Rachel curled herself into a ball. Once Josh was settled, his whimpers died down. Josh stared up at him with his big brown eyes with a curious look on his face. Only five months old and his face was already extremely expressive. Jesse stared back at him with pride. His little actor.

"Hey little man." He whispered softly. "I'm your daddy."

Josh smiled as if he already knew. He liked to think that Josh had simply been waiting for him all this time. He seemed comfortable in his arms.

"I'm really sorry I haven't been around, I did something really bad to mommy and she's had to look after you all on her own."

He looked over at Rachel and then back down at Josh. He had made up his mind. He was a nineteen year old college drop out and in no means ready for fatherhood. But leaving her the last time had torn him apart and by the looks of things it had nearly killed her. Leaving her the day after taking her virginity had been a douchey thing to do, leaving her the day after he found out he had fathered her child would be deplorable. There was no way she could carry on like this, even if she didn't want him in a romantic way, he would be a part of his son's life. His mission to win her back was now vitally important.

"You and me Josh, were going to look after Mommy and then we're going to be a family. Mommy, Daddy and Josh."

Josh smiled.

"Right, let's see what we can do around here without waking Mommy up, she needs her sleep." Jesse knew that it was a flimsy excuse at best, although Rachel definitely did need her sleep they probably needed to have this confrontation first. But he had a feeling that Rachel was not going to make it easy on him, by the looks of things her abandonment issues were now so bad that she was convinced that she was "fine". It was going to take a lot of work to make her believe that he was in this for the long haul. Waking up this morning with his family in his arms had felt perfect and he was determined that he was going to have that every day.

Tentatively, Jesse got up attempting not to jostle Josh too much. Once again he looked over at Rachel, his desertion of the bed had not moved her. She was firmly curled up in a small ball on the very edge of the bed. Even in sleep she was barely managing to hold herself together.

He walked with Josh into the main part of the apartment. He recoiled once again at the state of her apartment, it was spotlessly clean, as befitting of a place where Rachel lived, but there was only so much you could do with squalor. First item to address in his increasingly terrifying oncoming conversation with Rachel, get her and Josh the hell out of here. He had money, his parents may be furious that he has dropped out of college but they can't touch his trust fund, although they had tried their best.

"Right then Joshy boy, what is there to do for two dashingly handsome young gentlemen? Huh?" Again Josh looked at him with confusion etched onto his features, definitely an actor.

"Does Mommy have any books we can read?" His eyes quickly scanned her apartment and settled on a small box of toys next to her threadbare couch.

"Bingo. Snow White. Trust your mommy to only have books that were also musicals. Get comfortable Josh, no one does the seven dwarfs voices like I do."

"Right, we've had Snow White, what do you think now Joshy boy? Three Little Pigs? _I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down_" He lifted Josh as he spoke the last line in his best Wolf voice. Josh giggled a squealed along with him.

"Hhhhmmmmm, maybe we should stick with the musical theme? I'm sure I could probably tell you the Wizard of Oz from memory? What do you say Josh, everybody loves Judy?"

"I think he's a little young to appreciate Judy's true brilliance right now." She watched as a slight blush passed over his face. She had never seen him so unguarded before.

She had woken up to an empty room and had been completely terrified. Josh was always by her side, where was he now. It was only when she heard Jesse's impassioned re-telling of Snow White coming from the living room that she had began to relax slightly. Josh was safe and with his father. He heart had leapt at the thought before she had quickly banished the feeling. He would leave her again, they all left, she was not going to give him the chance.

The evening's revelations had changed nothing. He had left her before when she was just a normal teenager, now she had baggage. She was damaged goods. Her father's had kicked her out and she had no prospects what so ever. He could make something of himself; she wouldn't subject him to this life. Why on Earth would he stay? And anyway she didn't need him, she was doing just fine on her own, Josh was healthy and happy that was all that mattered in the end.

"You're never too young to appreciate the greats." Jesse appeared to have recovered from his recent embarrassment.

The scene that she had interrupted had been gorgeous. Un-guarded Jesse and Josh together made for an adorable sight. It looked like they had no problem at all with bonding. Josh was staring up at him with adoration all over his little face. She needed to stop this before Josh got attached, she would not subject him to the heartbreak she was so used to feeling.

"It's late you should go. I have to give him a bath and change his diaper." She scooped Josh up from Jesse's arms and walked towards the bathroom, hoping he would get the hint and just leave.

"I can help with that." Jesse looked so unbelievably hopeful she felt like she was kicking a little lost puppy. She steeled herself. She needed to do this.

"No you really can't. I want you to leave Jesse, this changes nothing. Josh and I are fine and we do not need your help." Pretty quickly the hope on his face transformed into determination mixed in with a little bit of the old Jesse smirk.

"I thought you might feel that way and I have a plan." She stopped in her focussed walk to the bathroom. How dare he look so smug when she was trying to verbally tear him down.

"Well I don't care about your 'plan'. I would like you to leave now please, like I say this doesn't change anything." She was about five seconds away from stamping her foot like a child. He was so infuriating.

"I though you might say that too. Hence the plan. If you don't want my help bathing Josh that's fine. You go and do that. I'll be here when you finish. Then you can change Josh's diaper and I'll still be here. Then you can put Josh to bed and I'll still be here. You can even go to bed yourself but I'll still be here." He walked towards her. He was taking advantage of the fact that josh was in her arms, if not she probably would have already bolted.

He stopped directly in front of her and looked her in the eye. "I am not leaving Rachel, not until you talk to me and we work something out. I want you and I want Josh. I want my family."

She was stunned by the intensity of the emotion behind those words, so she did what she did best. She pushed him away.

"So that's your amazing plan. You're just going to stay here." There was no way he could out-stubborn her.

"Yep. Since I know you have pretty much no where else to go and I doubt you're willing to wander this neighbourhood at 3am with Josh I think it's a pretty good one."

He had her there. But then again she had had almost a year and a half of pretty much not talking to anyone. He would definitely give up before she did.

"Well settle yourself in for a very long wait on a very uncomfortably sofa. I have told you what happened, you know about Josh. Now I want you to leave and forget we exist. We are doing FINE and we DO NOT need you." Panting from the exertion of her anger she turned on her heel, walked straight into the bathroom and locked the door with a decisive click. She faintly heard Jesse's reply.

"Bring it on Berry."

Her very long night just got longer.

**A/N Sorry for the long wait guys, I've been in Sweden on a business trip so I didn't have much time to write. Thank you again for all of your amazing feedback I love every comment I get so please let me know what you think of this chapter.**

**R and R please my lovelies! xxx**


	6. Chapter 6

Pretty much the second she locked the door she realised that she had already given josh his bath earlier in the evening. Josh was a docile and happy go lucky child most of the time but she doubted even he would take two baths in one night. She was now stuck with two extremely undesirable options. Hide out in her dingy bathroom until an appropriate amount of time had passed or return to the living room and face Jesse's inevitable smugness.

If she had an adequate place to put Josh down she would have made the most of her time and cleaned the bathroom again but Josh definitely would not appreciate the cold tile floor in his tired state. She misses being selfish, it's often a much easier option.

"Now Josh, Mommy needs to have a serious talk with you." She lifted him and held him at eye level. "That man outside is your Daddy, I know he read you a story earlier and whilst I know that you know that no one reads stories as good as Mommy you looked like you were enjoying yourself. I'm sorry but we can't have him with us. Daddy has dreams and hopes so we are going to let him go and we will be fine on our own OK?"

She fought back the tears that seemed to be ever threatening to fall lately, "I know that you need your Daddy, but if he leaves again it will hurt Mommy so much that she might not be able to look after you."

She took a deep breath and stood up. "So now we are going to go out there and show him that we don't need him. It's you and me against the world hey Joshy?" She looked down at the soft blue bundle in her arms and saw that he had fallen asleep. Her rants really were not as good as they used to be if she couldn't even hold a captive audience of one. "Guess I'm on my own then."

She opened the door and walked quickly to the bedroom, purposefully not looking anywhere in the vicinity of the sofa he was currently residing on. She carefully lowered Josh into his crib and made sure his blankets were secure and his bear was beside him. With all purposeful activity now completed she was at a loss. The only way to continue to avoid him was to go to bed but she was so keyed up that the thought of tossing and turning alone in her bed was not an appealing one. She had a lot of work that needed doing for school if she wanted to graduate an entire year early anyway. His interruption had put her behind.

Her weary brain did not relish the thought of homework but it was definitely the lesser of two evils and it would give her a bona-fide reason not to talk to him. Walking back into the living room, still resolutely not looking in his direction, she got her books out and proceeded to spread them over the table.

"Rachel, it's half past three in the morning, you can't seriously be doing school work now?"

She jumped at his voice; she was used to the silence by now. He walked over to the table and slumped down in the seat opposite her. She frowned. It was a lot harder to ignore him when he was sitting not two feet away from her.

"I would normally have done it earlier in the evening when Josh was asleep, but I had to deal with an unwanted interruption." She gave him a pointed stare, hoping he would get the message.

He did at least look slightly chastised before brightening, "But it's Saturday tomorrow so you have the whole weekend to finish it."

He really had no idea of how difficult life was for her did he? "No I don't, I have double the course-load as I am trying to Graduate a year early so I can go to community college. I also have seven clients to tutor tomorrow and five on Sunday so I have to do prep work for those too. I can't miss out on that money just because you have decided to show up on my doorstep and will probably be gone by the end of the week once you realise the realities of my life. Now if you are not going to leave please be quiet I need to at least finish one assignment."

*St Berry*

For a whole two minutes Jesse was blessedly silent. Then his natural curiosity took over.

"How are you doing all of that and looking after Josh single handily?" His admiration for her was rapidly growing along with his worry. He was impressed that she could do all of those things at once but knew it was not long before her fragile hold over everything snapped. He knew she liked to be in control of every situation but there was no way one person could do so much with no support. She had already forgone looking after herself in favour of looking after Josh, it couldn't be long before her body gave up on her.

"I have a state paid for babysitter for whilst I am at school but I loose that at the end of this year; hence why I need to graduate early."

Another half an hour passed whilst Rachel continued with her work and Jesse was lost in his own thoughts. She needed him, whether she wanted to admit it to herself or not. He got the feeling that staying up working until four in the morning was a regular occurrence for her. She wasn't eating and she wasn't sleeping, just lifting Josh up earlier had looked like a struggle for her and what was she going to do once she lost her babysitter? She might be able to do college courses online but eventually she will need to get a proper job and who would look after Josh then?

A loud rumble of her stomach solidified his plans. "When was the last time you ate something Rache?"

He saw her visibly bristle at his enquiry and knew his assumptions had been right on the money. He could see the panic in her eyes as she visibly struggled to find an answer. He walked over to his bag and found an energy bar, "Here eat this." He placed it down in front of her. She looked at it suspiciously.

"I mean it. If you don't start eating that in the next ten seconds I am not above force feeding you." With a face like thunder she slowly unwrapped the chocolate bar and started to eat it slowly. Good, she knew he meant business.

"What time is your first client tomorrow and where are you meeting them?"

If she looked suspicious before it was nothing to the look on her face now. The reluctance in her eyes shrank when she saw just how serious he was. He knew he almost looked frightening when he got like this. "8am in the library, then I have clients every hour and a half until 6.30pm."

Now he really was angry at her, his quick maths had told him that she hadn't scheduled in a break for herself in there at all. "And what do you do with Josh whilst your tutoring?"

"I take him with me and watch him whilst I'm tutoring."

"Not anymore, I'm coming with you tomorrow to watch Josh. I admit there are a lot of things I don't know about babies so we can switch and I will do some of your tutoring. I may be a college drop out but I'm sure I can do…" He picked up the top folder marked 'James', "…8th grade Math."

"Jesse, you can't just come in and take over my life like this."

"Oh really Rachel? Well I think I can, leaving you the first time was the absolute stupidest thing I have done in my life, it's even stupider now I know I left Josh as well. I know you don't believe me but I want you and Josh in my life, but you both need help. There is only so long you can go on like this before you burn out. So it's time for some tough love Rache. You need help and I'm the only one willing to give it."

He doesn't think he has ever seen her so furious. She is actually struggling to form words through her anger, he quite likes that he can make her speechless, even if it is with anger. She stands up and walks round the table to stand in front of him. She probably thinks she looks intimidating and to a man that hadn't been threatened by both her dad and Noah Puckerman in the course of the day he would probably be quite scared.

"I DO NOT need your help, how many times do I need to say it before it gets through your thick skull. You left me Jesse, when I needed you the most, so you don't just get to come back and act like you give a shit." Throughout her speech she has moved closer and closer to him in an effort to get his point across. With him still sitting in his seat, he can see every inch of her. Both of them are panting harshly as a result of their closeness. He feels his eyes slip down over her body, she shudders like he has physically touched her.

His hands move of his own accord to lift and place her so she is straddling his lap. Her centre comes into direct contact with his crotch and they both moan at the contact. He has been hard since they started this argument, there is something about her when she's angry, all hellfire and passion, that has always been unbelievably sexy to him.

He can see the exact moment the desire in her eyes changes to fear as she realises precisely what she is sitting on.

"What are you doing?" She whispers in the smallest voice he has heard from her yet.

He tries his absolute hardest to express how much he wants her with his next words. "Showing you."

He leans down and captures her lips with his own as he slides his hands steadily upwards underneath her top. Their kiss rockets from tender to bruising once his hands reach her bra and caress the sides of her breasts. She moans his name and they both feel his cock jump in his pants. She whimpers into his kiss.

He pulls his lips from hers and moves his lips to trail kisses up her jaw to her ear. "Shhhhh, just feel. Feel how much I want you, want this." He whispers in her ear and she shuddered. The sexual tension between them has been building with every harsh word. He takes her lips again in a demanding kiss, this time thrusting his tongue into the warm confines of her mouth. He finally feels at home, but this is definitely not the place for this. His hands move to grip her ass, as he lifts her, her arms reach around his neck and fist in his hair, her tiny hands pulling roughly at the curly strands. He groans at the feelings she is creating as he walks her over to the couch.

He gently sets her down and she pulls him on top of her, their mouths only parting to gasp quick breaths of air into their lungs before bringing their lips together once more.

She pushes him away and sits up. His heart moves into his mouth. What if she doesn't want this, want him? Has he forced her? Oh god, oh god.

His internal panic is curbed when she slowly lifts her top over her head to reveal a plain white bra. His eyes darken at the sight he hasn't seen in far too long. She is a goddess. He needs to make sure she wants this as much as he does. "Rach are you sure?" He thinks he might die if she says no, he has never wanted anything in his life more than he wants her right now. He needs to convince her that he is here to stay. His words haven't worked so far, he thinks his body might do the trick.

She nods shyly.

"You are so beautiful Rachel, I've missed you so much." He brushes his hands down the front of her chest to her breasts and rubs the pads of his thumbs around her nipple over her bra. She throws her head back and moans in pleasure. He moves his hands softly around to her back and undoes her bra, caressing along the length of her arms as he helps her to take it off.

He lowers his head to her chest and gently takes a nipple in his mouth lapping the tiny bud gently with his tongue. Her breathing is coming fast and her eyes are squeezed shut with pleasure. He kisses his way across to her other breast and repeats his attentions on her other nipple, this time gently sucking her nipple with a constant pressure. She gasps as his fingers reach across to pluck softly at her other nipple.

He makes his way slowly down her body and he feels her body tense and her hands clench into his shoulders hard. They hadn't got to this last time. He trails kisses along the waist band of her skirt until he feels her start to relax. He slowly pulls both her skirt and panties down her legs and she tenses once again as she lays naked beneath him.

He lifts his head to look into her eyes. She looks terrified. "Let me do this for you Rachel, I want to make you feel good." She nods her head stiffly as she takes in a shaky breath. He can understand her nerves; she has only done this once before. At least his ego hopes she has.

He runs the tips of his fingers steadily from her ankle, past her knee and up her inner thigh, she shudders as his fingers lightly brush between her legs and then move back down to her knee. He grips both her knees and slowly pulls her legs further apart so that he can rest between them comfortably. He slowly blows air over her most sensitive part and she writhes as he holds her thighs in place. He slowly strokes a finger across her sex, she is dripping wet with her lust for him. His cock throbs and he takes a moment to reign himself in. This is about her; he wants her to feel worshiped.

"Jesse… please!" She gasps as he slowly circles her clit. He smirks up at her as he lowers his tongue to her folds. Her head drops back down onto the coach and her hands reach down to grip his head. With agonizing slowness he learns every inch of her with his tongue. Her taste is exquisite, brilliantly she actually taste's like berries, like strawberry and vanilla with a bitter twang he rolls around on his tongue before he swallows.

"You taste so good baby." She moans loudly as the vibrations from his words hit her sex. If she likes that his next move is going to kill her.

He sings softly against her most intimate lips, _"Oh, I'm gonna be wounded, Oh I'm gonna be your wound."_ He takes a breath to see that she is staring down at him with a look of awe on her face. _"Oh, I'm gonna bruise you, Oh, you're gonna be my bruise."_

"You know she dies in the end?" Rachel pants.

"We can have the happy ending they didn't get to have." He gently presses his middle finger at her entrance and pushes into her as he sucks her clit into his mouth. He marvels at how tight she is around just one finger; she will feel amazing wrapped around his cock. He wants to feel her all around him, holding onto her so tight she has to know how much he loves her.

He adds another finger and she cries out. He swirls his tongue around her clit as he twists his fingers inside her and he can tell she is right on the brink. He sucks her clit into his mouth once more and he feels her clench around his fingers as a gush of wetness coats his chin. He looks up at her to see her head thrown back in pleasure and her mouth open in a silent 'O' of pleasure. He has never seen a sight more arousing to him. He keeps his fingers working slowly inside her as she comes down from her high. He moves up her body hands and mouth exploring her as he goes. He finds a spot on her hip that makes her breath catch and her thighs clench once again as he lathes it with his tongue and nips it with his teeth.

She pulls him up and attacks his mouth only stopping to pull his t-shirt over his head. Her fingers trail fire down his chest as they move towards his pants, making short work of his belt and fly. He stands up to take his pants and boxers off and stands in front of her in all his glory. Her apprehension comes back full force and he sees her retreating back into herself again.

He sits on the couch and brings her up so her thighs are resting on his before she even knows what is happening. One arm wraps around her back as his hand splays between her shoulder blades helping to keep her steady. The other arm lifts her chin up until her eyes meet hers. He needs her to believe what he is about to say.

"I love you Rachel Berry, whether we do this now or not I'm not going anywhere."

*St Berry*

She gasps at the truth behind his words and the sincerity in his expression. Tears fill her eyes and she completely forgets that they are both naked as she wraps her arms around his neck and brings his mouth to hers in the sweetest kiss she has ever experienced. As their lips part, she takes a deep breath. There is no going back after this.

She looks directly into his eyes as she whispers, "Make me believe you never left."

Their lips connect again and she can feel the love he is pouring into every movement. It's almost overwhelming after being starved of any affection for so long. She feels him gently lift her hips and his cock nudges at her entrance. He slowly lowers her down and she has never felt this full. Last time they did this she wasn't on top. It feels both amazing and slightly painful all at once, she has only used these muscles once before and they are definitely not used to being stretched this way.

Once he is seated within her completely she whimpers softly. "Open your eyes Rachel." She hears him whisper; it takes her a few moments to connect her eyes with her brain the sensations she's feeling are so overwhelming. Their eyes meet and it's that union of their bodies that feels more intimate than anything they have done together.

The urge to move overcomes her and she lightly swivels her hips. He groans deeply and she takes that as encouragement as she lifts her hips and lowers them again, pushing their bodies together once more. His hands leave her ass and travel up over her stomach and settle over her breasts. She arches her chest towards him, nothing feels as good as his hands on her. He thrusts up into her never breaking her gaze and his arms slip around her. She does the same and she feels like their will always be too much space between them. She wishes they could always be like this, their bodies know each other so well after only a single time together. She hasn't felt this protected in a very long time. She feels surrounded by him.

Their thrusts become harder as they both strain for release. His thumb reaches down and circles her clit and she feels like the damn is about to burst once again. "Jesse!" She cries sharply as her walls clench and squeeze his release from him.

She feels his lips on her neck before he whispers in her ear, "I love you Rachel."

She honestly believes him. She pulls him to her and cradles his head to her chest. She really has missed him but this has just made everything a million times more complicated.

**A/N: Again sorry for the long delay, I promise I have the rest of this mapped out so it won't be long before the next few chapters are up.**

**This is my first time writing smut so please tell me if it was OK? I'm extremely nervous about how it is going to be received so I really want to know if you guys like it?**

**As always r and r please my lovelies xxxxx**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Again sorry for the massive update time, I know I'm rubbish! In my defensive real life has been extremely hectic but it's calmed down a bit now so hopefully I will be able to update about once a week now. This update is pretty much all down to michemistic who sent me such a lovely message it kicked me up the backside and got me back to updating! **

**This chapter is a bit different from the rest, let me know what you think. **

Her breathing returns to normal as the sweat on her body cools and she is brought back down to Earth with a big bump. If her doctor hadn't have insisted she have the contraceptive injection after Josh was born she could have found herself in exactly the same situation as she was just over a year ago. Not once did she think about making Jesse wear a condom and he certainly didn't think about it.

She has no idea what Jesse has been doing or who he has been doing it with whilst failing out of college and she has probably just opened herself up to a whole host of STI's. Apparently she still looses all of her senses whenever he is close to her. She so doesn't need the cost of antibiotics right now.

Her mind drifts to the last time she was in this position and the nine months of agony that came along afterwards. Giving Jesse the Cliff Notes version of her pregnancy earlier has brought the memories to the surface and she finds it impossible to stop herself re-living the worst nine months of her entire life….

_It had been three weeks since what Rachel can only bring herself to name "the incident" and for the 14__th__ morning in a row she was violently spewing her guts up. Thank God she had her own bathroom, she thought as finally felt the lurching in her stomach subside. Flushing the toilet and pulling herself to her feet simultaneously, she allowed herself to face the inevitable, she was pregnant. _

_She had been throwing up at least three times a day for the past two weeks, it had been over a month since she had lost her virginity and she had not had her period. Either she was pregnant or she had the stomach bug from hell. She really hoped it was the second one. _

_Her phone went off to signal that five minutes had passed (the package had indicated three but she had wanted to give it ample time to ensure the test had worked) and she headed for the sink and the small white stick that held her future all in one tiny window. Yep definitely pregnant. Shit. She abhors swearing but she can't think of a better word to sum up her current situation. She's always been a fan of drama but this just takes the biscuit. She had sex once with a guy who proceeded to smash an egg on her head the very next day and on the day she finds out she is pregnant with his child she has to face him at Regionals, along with the rest of his team and the mother that abandoned her. Shit. _

_*St Berry*_

_By the time new Directions arrive at the theatre, she is a wreck. Her palms are sweating and her nerves at seeing him after his betrayal are combining with her weak stomach and she knows that any moment she is going to vomit again. For the first time in her life she really doesn't feel like performing today. She needs to see him, inform him of her current situation and then get away from him as fast as possible. In a daze she walks with the rest of her team to their dressing room._

_She still doesn't understand what happened with them, one day she felt cherished, adored and respected. She thought they had the perfect relationship, they had got over all of the jealousy and hurt her Run Joey Run stunt had caused and were just so good together. He really got her, like no-one else did. He understood and even shared her dreams and she had finally allowed herself to get comfortable, to think that she has finally found someone that she can be herself with. _

_The next day he smashed an egg on her head and she has no idea why. Was everything a lie, did he really invest all of that time and effort with her just to throw her off before a competition? She knew that Jesse was a good actor but to be able to keep up that charade for the entirety of their relationship he would have had to be completely heartless. And now she is tied to him for her entire life by the tiny entity currently growing in her belly. _

_She pulls herself together and quietly slips away from the rest of New Directions. She's hoping the band-aid analogy will work for her in this situation and she can get this over with before she breaks down in his presence. There is nothing more heart breaking than still being in love with someone who has broken your heart. Actually, she corrects herself in her head, there is nothing worse than still being in love with someone who has broken your heart and is the father of your un-born child. _

_She walks down the corridor towards his dressing room with a growing sense of dread, she has no idea what to say to him, or if he will even talk to her at all. She raises her fist to knock on the door and lets out a small squeak of surprise as it is pulled open to reveal Andrea Cohen. _

"_What do you want, Yentyl?_

_Brilliant, a musical theatre themed insult, her overwrought emotions can't take this and the insult has her on the verge of tears. _

"_I need to speak to Jesse." She mumbles in the general direction of the floor. _

"_And what could you possibly have to say to him that is of any importance? It was an acting exercise for him to funkify the competition. Look at you and look at me, who do you really think can hold his attention?" Rachel is almost impressed that Andrea hardly took a breath throughout that whole mortifying put down. _

_Her voice is thick with tears as she whispers, "I have something important to tell him." _

"_God Rachel, your pathetic loser is showing through. I'm guessing Jesse was the first guy to show you a scrap of attention and you were too naïve to know that it was all an act. Your like a little dog begging for scraps, it's just sad. Move on, he has."_

_She barely makes it to the nearest bathroom before projectile vomiting. She rinses her mouth out and dazedly makes her way back to her dressing room. Sleeping with her was just a game to him, there is absolutely no way Jesse is going to care about their baby. _

_The next thing she knows, she is standing at the edge of the stage watching Jesse sing a flawless rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. She is indulging herself in one moment of weakness before she gets ready to raise his child without him. The rest of New Directions is at the hospital with Quinn, she's not sure what it says about her school that even the Glee Club has been witness to two teenage pregnancies. _

_She looks up and suddenly their eyes meet across the stage. He still takes her breath away. _

_*St Berry*_

_The remaining four weeks of the school year pass by in a painful haze for Rachel, Glee Club is given a reprise after their inevitable loss to Vocal Adrenaline and she can barely muster up the effort of pretending to be excited. At least she has an excuse to cry all the time for a while. _

_Summer vacation starts and instead of her usual summer routine of classes and training, she saves the money her fathers give her, she has a feeling she is going to need it. She always has been a little bit psychic. She spends her time wallowing in misery and watching 16 and Pregnant on MTV. She can't help but think her situation is worse than any of those girls. It has become a masochistic obsession to constantly remind herself of her own stupidity. Not once does she call Jesse, she knows he wouldn't care even if she could find the courage from somewhere Andrea Cohen certainly let her know that much. Last time he cracked an egg on her head, she can't imagine what he would do if she told him she was pregnant. Laugh in her face most probably. _

_Besides, even if he did care about her, he was going to UCLA to live out his dreams, she couldn't be the one to take that away from him. Just because she was stuck here didn't mean he had to be. She was getting very good at rationalising probably the worst decision she had ever made, deep down she knew he had a right to know, but, she was angry and scared and hurt and a whole host of other emotions. She had made up her mind and she was stubborn. She would do this on her own. _

_Her twelve week scan was possibly the scariest and most wonderful moment of her entire life. The scary part was the waiting room, she prayed with all her might that no one she knew would see her. The wonderful part was seeing her baby for the first time, that grainy black and white image was the most beautiful thing she had seen in her entire life. _

_That tiny printed image was all that kept her going most days. Her pregnancy was not turning out to be as easy as they made it look on television, if she only threw up three times in one day it was a good day and it didn't stop as she went into her second trimester like it was supposed to. Also it was getting increasingly hard to hide the fact that she was pregnant from her fathers. She was so tiny to begin with that at three months her bump was already extremely prominent. Evidently she hadn't been as discreet as she thought she had._

_She was exactly 14 weeks pregnant when her father sat her down with matching thunderous expressions on their faces. _

"_Rachel are you pregnant?" Hiram Berry forced out through clenched teeth._

_Right straight to the point then. She looked at the floor unable to answer them, she was so ashamed of herself for disappointing them. "Yes." She whispers. _

"_How could you do this to us Rachel, have we not given you everything you could ever want, have we not paid for every vocal and dance lesson? And this is how you repay us? By getting knocked up like some cheep slut?"_

_Silent tears stream down her face as she flinches at her usually soft spoken fathers harsh words. She has never been in trouble with her fathers before and she has no way to deal with the force of their anger. "I'm sorry" She manages to choke out around a sob. _

"_Get rid of it." Leroy spits at her. _

_Her head snaps up and her move to each of her fathers in turn, hoping to find that they are not seriously asking her to kill her baby. She is not encouraged by what she finds. She didn't know her fathers were so cold. _

_Her voice is stronger now. "No. I can't, I won't." She is deadly serious. She finds out to her detriment so are they. _

"_Don't be so naïve Rachel. We have invested too much time and money into you for you to ruin it all now. You will do what we say or you will face the consequences."_

_She has never been scared of her fathers before but in this moment she is terrified of what they might do to her. _

_Hiram hasn't spoken since his initial question and she lets herself hope for a tiny second that he will side with her. He looks at her like she is dirt beneath his shoe as he speaks, "You will get rid of that bastard child or you will get out of this house."_

_She gasps and feels her last shred of hope die within her. "No; please. I'm your daughter."_

"_Get rid of it or we have no daughter."_

_She runs up the stairs and by the time she has reached her room she can barely breathe through her sobs. She was prepared to do this alone but she thought at least her fathers would be there for her. What the hell is she going to do now? She has literally no-one to turn to. _

_She calms down through sheer force of will as she stuffs all of her clothing that still fits her into a duffle bag. In another duffle bag she puts a few photos and personal items like the blanket she has had since she was a baby and some of her jewellery. She sends a quick prayer of thanks that she has been saving for New York since she was about 4 so thankfully she has enough money to last her a while but the practical side of her brain still knows that she will need to get a job in order to buy everything she will need for the baby and even then it will be a stretch once she adds on rent for somewhere to stay. She stops herself thinking before she begins to hyperventilate._

_An hour later she finds herself at Noah's door. _

"_Can I stay here for a few days?"_

_Noah nods his head and lets her in without comment. People really don't give him enough credit. _

_*St Berry*_

_The first time she sets foot in her new apartment she barely manages to hold her emotions in check. It comes "furnished" so it has a sofa, a table and a bed although all three have seen better days and there is a very suspicious stain on the sofa. At least cleaning this apartment will keep her mind distracted from the horror of her current situation. After living in her apartment for a week she is extremely grateful for the multiple locks on her door, this is not a nice neighbourhood but it was all that she could afford._

_She has four weeks until she has to go back to school and there is absolutely no way that she will be able to hide the fact that she is pregnant. She has looked at her options using the free wi-fi at the library and she has found that the state will pay for a babysitter for her until Josh is 6 months old. She has calculated that if she can do double the course load and take summer classes next year she will be able to graduate a year early and then she can either go to community college or get a job. Which means she won't have time for Glee. _

_Everything has happened so fast she hasn't had time to process the fact that it is now almost impossible for her dreams to come true. She thinks she needs to make new dreams now, more realistic ones. _

_*St Berry*_

_School starts again and at 22 weeks pregnant her bump is almost the same size as Quinn's was when she gave birth and growing bigger every day. She really hopes the majority of it is water otherwise she is literally going to be slit in half. School is even worse than she had imagined. She has managed to avoid seeing anyone but Noah this entire summer but the second she steps foot into the hallway all eyes are on her. Santana is in her first class and by lunch the entire Glee Club knows what has happened. Even Finn has managed to work out that it must be Jesse's baby. _

_She walks past Kurt and Tina and the hallway and hears the word "slut" drift her way. It hurts more than she thought it would. She turns the corner towards her locker and is promptly met with two slushies to the face. Karofsky and his minion high five each other. As she is running towards the bathroom she hears them shout after her._

"_At least Fabray was a Milf!"_

_Fantastic. Her shitty life just got shittier. She runs her hair under the tap and feels a fluttering in her womb. She gasps as her hand automatically moves to the spot and she feels a tiny foot come up to meet her._

"_Hello baby" She whispers in awe. It is a sign of things to come that her baby can make her feel better after even the worst of days. _

_*St Berry*_

_She spends her 17__th__ birthday alone in her apartment doing homework and going over notes for the kids she is tutoring. She makes it up until 9 o'clock before she starts sobbing. Noah invites her over for Hanukah. She lasts until she gets home. _

_*St Berry*_

_She is in her apartment on the Saturday before school starts again after winter break when her water breaks. It's 11 o clock at night and she hopes to God Noah is sober enough to driver her to the hospital as she can't afford the call out charge for an ambulance. He picks her up twenty minutes after she calls him. She feels completely out of control as contractions wrack her body. This is moving a lot faster than she thought it would. _

_She gets to the hospital and is told that she is too far along for an epidural. In her current state this sounds like the worst news in the world. Prior to this, dislocating her knee was the worst pain she had ever suffered. This puts that to shame. The sounds she is making right now don't even sound human to her ears. Although she does manage to hit a high C and is impressed at herself for all of 30 seconds until the next contraction hits and all she can think about is passing an entire human through her vagina. Having sex just the once has not prepared her for this. She wishes Jesse was here so she could scream at him for ruining her life. _

_Two hours later she is handed her son and he takes her breath away. He looks exactly like Jesse except his eyes, he has her eyes. She is still slightly giddy from the gas and air so she finds it hilarious that her inner monologue seems to come directly from Harry Potter. She thinks he makes the last nine months of hell worthwhile. The nurses teach her to properly change a diaper; how to bath him and how to breast feed. She almost cries from frustration when he just won't latch on but she eventually gets the hang of it. It hurts like hell but she gets used to the pain like everything else, she cannot afford formula. _

_Noah is her only visitor. He tells her that even though Jesse is still a "douche", they make a cute kid. She laughs until he follows it with "He deserves to know Rachel." She kicks him out. Now she has no visitors and is forced to take a taxi home with Josh when they are both discharged. She wryly congratulates herself for alienating the absolute last person who was willing to help her. _

_She finds it is almost impossible to unlock her front door whilst juggling a bag full of hers and Josh's things and a car seat with a new born baby in it in a hallway where you are extremely reticent to put anything down on the floor. After ten minutes of struggling the door finally clicks and she shuffles into her apartment with her precious cargo. Her heart sinks at the site she is greeted with. _

"_Home sweet home." She mutters under her breath. _

_Joshua begins to cry. She is exhausted as she lifts him from his car seat and begins to rock him. An hour later Josh is still crying and silent tears a running down her cheeks as she desperately tries to get him off to sleep. She has tried everything, but his diaper isn't wet, he isn't hungry and he doesn't have wind. She thinks he is crying for his daddy and she feels like the worst person in the entire world. _

She is jolted from her memories as Jesse's hand tightens on her hip and jolts from the soft doze he had been engaging in behind her.

"Oh my God Rachel, I didn't wear a condom. I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry, I.."

She cuts him off with a soft squeeze of his hand. "It's OK, I had the injection just after Josh was born, my doctor thought it was a good idea even when I told him there was no-one in the picture. I'm good for another month."

She can feel the sudden tension ease from him muscles. For the first time in her life she has no idea what to say to him. She can't pretend she doesn't want him anymore; the fact that they are both naked right now sort of makes that a moot point. She is absolutely terrified of letting him back in, if he leaves her again her tenuous hold over everything will snap and she will be left well and truly broken. She feels so vulnerable with him here like this. Suddenly, she feels the over whelming urge to have clothes on right now.

She pulls herself from his grasp and quickly shrugs her t shirt and skirt back on. "You need to leave. Now." She can't look at him as she says it. Rustling sounds behind her indicate he is putting on his clothes. Good, he is taking her seriously.

"Rachel. Don't do this. Stop pushing me away." He sounds angry. He grabs onto her arm and spins her around to face him. "I want to be with you and I know you want that too, just trust me and let me help you."

"Trusting you got me egg on my face; it got me kicked out of my house and living in an apartment that needs five separate locks on the door why would I trust you? I'm not myself when I'm around you. You make me do stupid things and apparently I just keep doing them. Get out. Now. Or I will call the police."

He picks his bag up from the floor and moves towards the door without a sound. He looks back at her before he leaves and the look on his face is devastating. She remembers seeing the same look on her face except hers was covered in egg, it gives her absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever that they are finally even.

She locks the door behind him and sinks to the floor. Her thighs ache and her intimate muscles are sore. Her eye lids feel like lead weights she is so unbelievably tired. The silence in her apartment is deafening.


End file.
